One of the challenges of being in a long-term, authority-based relationship (whether D/s or M/s), is knowing when to more actively lean into the dynamic and when to more passively let go. I think that scene spaces are a microcosm of the larger dynamic of a committed D/s or M/s relationship. The more we play, the better in our scenes we become at knowing when to push our partners a bit, or step up and guide things, and when to step back and ride the flow of where things are taking us. Some people are highly intuitive and instinctively do this, but all benefit from practice and experience. Even the most experienced and/or intuitive know that there’s always more to learn; there’s always room for improvement
If we have the privilege to have long-term partners or are in committed D/s or M/s relationships, we get to know the various physiological responses from our partners and learn them like a language: a vocabulary and grammar of sighs, perspiration, moans, cries, tears, laughs, and breathing patterns. We read skin coloration and heat; we work with the unique characteristics of bodies, muscles (and the knots therein). We glide in and out of the nuances we’ve learned while at the same time leaving space for the inevitable evolution and shifts that come with time.
We also work with the emotional and psychological aspects that come with and permeate our scenes. We understand the ebb and flow of desire itself, and moods. Even in “total power exchange” structures which may include free use and even CNC1, we still understand the flavors or responses we’ll get when our partners are in different moods. We’ll also have a good sense (but definitely not a perfect one) of what our partners may need in a given situation, but know how to work well within their boundaries of consent to help them get to where they need to be.
What is important to remember, however, is that we need to make room for these same ebbs and flows within our broader relationships. Even if we have comprehensive contracts written up, they do need to be revisited from time to time to make sure that they’re still working, and that we are getting what we need from the relationship itself. And if we have a more loose and/or informal contract in place, we still need to make room for growth and evolution, and check in to be sure that we’re not just going through the motions or have fallen into some kind of rut.
Thinking holistically, our relationship dynamics can be versions of our scene dynamics, but move tidally and/or tectonically; requiring a similar awareness, gentleness, and sometimes grace to work through the shifts that occur. Even when things are stable and status quo, there are seasonal, cyclical forces at work that affect levels of engagement and desire. Other times, there can be external circumstances that can have more palpable effects, causing ruptures or upheavals that require space and patience to accommodate and work though. But, like our scenes, we still have capacity to pivot when needed, because the boundaries we have created through mutual negotiation create a safe space to work within.
No, singular scenes are not the same as long-term, loving relationships; but the lessons learned in them can provide a reliable analog for larger-scale change. It’s the pivot, however, which can feel uncomfortable when we’re talking about the broader dynamic. When we’re in-scene, pivots (because of an injury, a faulty piece of equipment, a misplaced impact, or even just an annoying gawker who gets too close to your scene) may be awkward, but they are generally quick2. The scene hopefully continues, but sometimes it stops.
In authority-based relationships, the awkwardness of the pivot can be protracted, and often be felt for spans of days, weeks, or even months. Furthermore, it’s hard to see it as a pivot when you’re in the middle of it, or to remember that the very nature of its unfolding is one where the end result can’t really be seen. It may seem always already just over the horizon. But we can mitigate this a bit by being gentle with ourselves and remembering that, just as with our scenes, there are times to lean into the pivot and help guide it to where we need it to be – most effectively though transparent communication and patience.
There are also times when we need to actually let tings go and let the process unfold as it needs to. Both have their difficult moments; both require courage, patience, and skill, and it takes a bit of discernment and experience to know how to proceed. Even if you’ve found your lifelong Master, Dom, slave, or submissive, aging will keep you humble by throwing you lovely little curveballs; and once in a while, bean you when you least expect it.
But the good part is that if you’ve gotten this far, even if this is your first authority-based relationship, you already are in the process of acquiring the necessary skills, and they will continue to improve and evolve as long as you’re willing to be humble enough to know that this is a perpetual learning curve.
For those unfamiliar with the terms, with a potential trigger warning: “free use” is a sexual kink in which someone consents to be sexually available for their partner(s) at all times. “CNC, or “consensual non-consent” is a consensual, highly-negotiated, complex form of role-play that involves “forced” sex, simulated unconsciousness, or other activities that might otherwise be considered assault.
Of course, this isn’t always the case. I think most of us can related to a scene that was hopelessly derailed by some distraction in a play-space.
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