This is the first installment of a two-part series inspired by a presentation that Mercy and I will be giving during the Corazón Leather Contest weekend in Albuquerque, NM from October 18th - 20th.
The next entry will have more practical tools for navigating the “how” behind it.
Authority-based relationships are, by their nature, imbalanced. That is to say, when one person has consented to ceding their power to another, whether via submission, surrender, or both, there is a necessary imbalance of power. We can say all we want that the s-type has all the power because they can withdraw consent; and to a certain extent that is true. But, practically speaking, if a person is restrained and engaging in high-risk kink behavior, it’s the top or D-type who literally holds the other’s life in their hands. They are the ones who – especially if a bottom is in distress and can’t call red – will make the final call and extricate them before they’re seriously injured or worse.
Even though power-based relationships are imbalanced, that doesn’t mean they’re not reciprocal. Each party, on some level, receives something in return; although not necessarily transactionally, but often in a more abstract and sometimes deferred way. Sometimes we fully (and consensually) throw ourselves into pleasing the other person, just because we find satisfaction in their pleasure; or we’re in a dynamic where the immediate benefits of a D-type’s tasks or requests of their s-types isn’t immediately apparent, but cumulatively brings the s-type more stability and skill at handling themselves.
All of that said, and somewhere in the vicinity of codependency, there are those relationships where one person is taking more than the other person can give, even if it’s being willingly given. In other words, sometimes as kinksters, we are asked or expected to give (whether it’s via our Domination or our service) to the point of depletion or beyond. This can and does happen temporarily in healthy relationships when one partner is going through a really rough patch, and they simply need a lot of our attention and time. We’ve all been there. But we are able to understand the reasons behind it, and set our boundaries accordingly, or at least set some time aside for ourselves to recharge. We can weather these periods of need and potential non-reciprocation because we know they are temporary, and because we deeply care for or love our partner(s).
But in other cases, there can be a steady and sometimes imperceptible movement toward a very unhealthy, and non-consensual imbalance, where one partner is being taken from (or expected to keep giving) with very little, if anything, in return. And this is where the tricky bit happens. In an authority-based relationship, how do we know when someone is taking too much? How much “service” is too much? How much “guidance” are we expected to give? How do we know when our D-type is relying on us not just to help them with the things they need, but is becoming dependent on us to process their emotions for them? Or is simply using us (in a subtly non-consensual way) as an emotional, physical, or spiritual punching bag. Are they trying to fuck their own pain away? Or fill us as a vessel for their pain?
How do we know when our s-type’s needs are crossing a line of what we’re emotionally, physically, and logistically able to provide? Are they using us simply as a receptacle of their catharsis (again in a subtly non-consensual way); releasing their pain without giving us the chance to emotionally, physically, or spiritually prepare. Are we being used as a kink-dispenser, where we’re expected to deliver floggings/spankings/hard fuckings on demand? Of course, light scenes can often evolve as they go, but if we’re not expecting a cathartic scene and we’re not prepared for it as a D-type, it can be very difficult to call red or pull it back without feeling like we’ll do more damage to our s-types, even though it’s very likely that we’ll suffer damage to ourselves.
The tell-tale sign is how we feel after we’ve been with them, or scened with them. After good scenes, or even vanilla quality time together, we can feel a whole range of emotions. Kinksters are used to not only catharsis, ecstasy, euphoria, or even terror during scenes, but also feeling completely exhausted and spent afterward. We’ve seen it in dungeons and playspaces: people wrapped in blankets post-scene, cocooned like so many human burritos as their partners or designated aftercare providers hold them (or not), or bring them food and help them through immediate and future drop.
Outside of set scenes, sometimes just spending a day of being “on” with our partners (however we define “on”) can also take a lot out of us, but it’s a different kind of tired. It’s one where we’re sleepy and tired but kind of smiling. There’s satisfaction. There’s a feeling of accomplishment, where the time and effort spent is rewarding in its own way.
But then there are other times when we feel tired in a negative way. It’s a deeper kind of exhaustion or depletion; one where we leave feeling really off or not ourselves, or perhaps even a little resentful. We may be able to chalk those feelings up to the post-scene feelings of insecurity or drop for a bit, but when they linger for longer than the usual drop, they can morph into feelings of anxiety or dread, leading to avoidance. We may feel anxious about our next scene with them, or coming home to them, anticipating that yet another crisis or tragedy (real or imagined) awaits us.
Again, both vanilla and kink relationships can go through these rough patches. And just because a partner is having a bout of bad luck, sadness, or a period of depression doesn’t mean that the core of what we have is somehow tainted or compromised — especially if our partners are aware of what’s happening and are taking steps (or at least receptive to taking steps) to work through things. This is where we can — especially if we’re in a D/s or M/s relationship — support them in deep and loving ways; provided we maintain boundaries we need to keep ourselves healthy so we can support them fully.
More on how to do that in part two!
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