The "Best Self" Conundrum (Part 2)
Seeing ourselves through eyes of love
In my previous post, I discussed the ins and outs of “shadow work,” and engaging with the aspects of ourselves which make us uncomfortable. I recounted a moment, just before a weekend away with my slave, where I journaled through my tendency to self-sabotage …
And I just wrote. It felt physically awful. My chest started to tighten. My head started to pound. I felt like I was coming down with the flu or COVID. But I had the wherewithal (again, thanks to my slave’s guidance) to know what was happening. I was processing the emotions that went with things. I leaned in and kept going.
Why, [Quill], are you thinking that you’re somehow going to fuck this weekend up? Why are you immediately assuming that you’re going to do do something wrong, or disappoint, or somehow step in it? Why are you setting yourself up for failure? Why are you assuming inadequacy? Why are you being so fucking hard on yourself?
After the initial waves of ick subsided, I found myself writing with a kind of frenzied ease, and a sense of relief. It was all coming out, and I wasn’t holding myself back.
As I wrote, I was able to recount the pain and guilt and shame I was holding onto, and how it had caused me to create certain narratives that were dictating my behaviors. My writing started to circle around my tendency to not want to appear helpless or weak … and how disappointingly predictable that felt. I used to each upper division feminist philosophy, for fucks’ sake. Yet here I was living every script served up by systemic sexism and inequality. The tropes of fragile and toxic masculinity swirled around my brain.
How many times had I inadvertently undercut my slave or even my spouse when they tried to help me with something? This kind of thinking is particularly damaging when it comes to authority exchange relationships, and any of my readers who are involved in an M/s or D/s dynamic may be familiar with some of these patterns, especially when it comes to denying a submissive or slave the opportunity (and joy) of serving us because we think we should be doing it ourselves, and we don’t want to come across as “needy.”1
I had always prided myself on my independence and self-sufficiency. So, this was one of my steepest early learning curves in my evolution as a Dominant (and later as a Master to my slave). At the beginning of our relationship, there were few tasks I would “let” my slave do because I could do them myself. I had simply assumed, because I was so wrapped up in my own ego, that it would be more satisfying for my slave to do the tasks I couldn’t do, rather than actually listening to her and letting her do the things she craved to do for me.
I’m sure that several s-types are reading this right now and shaking their heads (either in total disbelief or because they’ve been on the receiving end of this). I mean, imagine the utter nerve of denying someone the opportunity to serve because a D-type didn’t want to appear needy?
As I continued to journal through all of this, I recounted a stumble I had a few months prior on one of our weekends. We were walking down a somewhat busy sidewalk. The lace on one of my Doc Martens came undone. My slave stopped me and said “Master, your shoe. May I?” In that moment things kind of went into Matrix-like bullet time. For some reason I was feeling “old” that day, and there were a lot of people passing by, and I went into this mini ego-spiral and was suddenly concerned about “how it might look” to vanilla people walking around to have someone tying my shoelace for me. I wasn’t thinking from my “best” or “higher” self. I was thinking from insecurity and vanity. My ego was screaming in my head: YOU CAN TIE YOUR OWN DAMN SHOE, YOU OLD, HELPLESS FUCK.
But the words that tumbled haplessly out of my mouth at that moment were far more damaging to my slave:
“Not in public.”
It still stings when I think about it. But not as much as it stung her in that moment.
That voice that berated me for being helpless was not the voice of my authentic self. It was the voice of doubt and shame. And it caused harm.
I don’t think we hear about the vulnerability of Dominance or Mastery enough in kink education. In order for D-types to do what we do, we are tapping into spaces that require us to engage deeply in both the things we need as well as the best ways to allow our s-types to serve us. That is to say, if we’re giving our s-types tasks that have no meaning for us (or our s-types) then we are rendering their service (and our Dominance) performative. Our s-types long to serve us in ways that are deep and meaningful.
I want us all — especially those of us involved in an authority-based relationships — to stop for a moment and think about how proud we are when we see our partners shine (no matter where they, or we, are on the power spectrum). Think about when their true voice and true self shines through. And for those in authority exchange relationships, think of how good it feels as a Master or D-type when you can amplify your s-type’s voice, or help them to shine their brightest? Think about, as an s-type, seeing your D-type shining as their best self, and knowing that you had a part of that via your service; and that you are literally (if it’s part of your dynamic) worshiping at the feet of someone who walks proudly in their truth.
This is where the real joy comes in, and it’s a joy that takes on a special — and for me, spiritual — depth when in an M/s context.
To be our authentic selves is to make spaces for joy (for ourselves and others). It’s a way that we can hold and see those who serve us and whom we serve. Authenticity isn’t so much an achievement as it is a state of mind. That state of mind can only come about when we see ourselves not as the narratives that have been looping in our heads, but when we see ourselves as the people that our s-types and D-types see.
One final example to bring this home. My slave has been taking pictures of me for my professional website. It’s been a running joke in my family and even with my spouse that I take awful pictures (think Chandler Bing from Friends, if you’re so inclined). To me, it seems as if my neck disappears, and my mouth curls into some awkward, mutant, bastard-stepchild of a smile. I literally hate myself in pictures, mostly because I become so self-conscious as they’re being taken that I become the victim of my own self-fulfilling prophecy.
Can you see where I am going with this? When we think that we take bad pictures, it’s usually because a parent or sibling or friend made fun of us at some point. We then manage to repeat that same look in every picture we take. When my slave took my photos, I just decided to let go and trust her. I just smiled into the camera as I would smile with her. She showed me the results. And, just momentarily at first, I saw myself as she saw me. It was eye-opening.
Sometimes our most authentic selves materialize when we see ourselves as those we love see us. Our most authentic selves are reflected in the eyes of those we love the most dearly, of those we trust the most deeply. They see us for who we truly are.
For those who may not be as familiar with authority exchange relationships, for many who identify as submissive or slaves, performing a task or service that their Dominant or Master/Mistress can easily do themselves can be one of the highest and most satisfying aspects of the dynamic, because it’s an act of service that is done purely for the sake of service. It is devotion for devotion’s sake.