Polycomplexity & The Diversity of Love
6 arbitrary observations on polyamory after a couple of decades of successes and fuck-ups.
Polyamory is ... complex. Complexity can be beautiful or it can be maddeningly complicated. I am always careful when I write about polyamory because there are so many different relationship structures and styles encompassed by it, that making any kind of sweeping statements can very easily alienate entire swaths of the polyam community. The dynamics of my “V” relationship are going to look very different from the polycule group who shares a house together and/or a complex network of physical and emotional relationships.
Regardless of the structure of our polyamory, I think that if there is any universal with polyamorous relationships, it’s their complexity: the complexity of the relationship structures themselves, the emotions, and the dynamics within. Let’s remember, also, that “complexity” isn’t a bad thing. In fact, there can be deep, intense beauty and joy in complexity.
There are great books1 out there on polyamory that can really help us gain perspectives; but often the most personal and memorable lessons come uninvited and with deep and widespread inconvenience to everyone involved. I am not at all going to try to espouse right and wrong paths here, aside from the fact that clear communication should really be one of the hallmarks of ethical polyamorous relationships
As my own polyamory journey continues, there are always more lessons to be learned — often the hard way when I manage to fuck up. But in that journey, personally, there have been ongoing themes and lessons that still resonate; and observations I’ve made that may resonate with others. BY NO MEANS are these meant to be a “one true way” or model for anyone else. These are simply my observations. They are in no particular order, and will be up for constant revisions … think of these as notes to myself that I’m sharing.
Observation 1: There can be compersion and jealousy at the same time.
Yes, I know this may rub some people the wrong way, because oftentimes compersion is defined as the opposite of jealousy. If compersion is the joy we feel when our partners are happy with — and having their needs fulfilled by — other partners, how can jealousy be concurrent, or even co-present with compersion?
I can have deep, deep compersion for the joy my partners get in their relationships with others; because feeling their satisfaction, joy, and happiness, literally warms my heart and creates an expansive feeling that I just cannot fully describe. When I see someone bringing out the best of my partners, it just feels GOOD and makes my heart really big. It always has. Because I want to see my partners shine.
But that does not negate the fact that I may be jealous of the time that they have with other people, especially when our calendars just won’t sync up but theirs’ seem to sync up easily. I can also love when a partner is going to a beautiful place with one of their partners, but I can also feel a little sad that I’m not in that place with them. Others may disagree, but personally I don’t think that negates my compersion.
Observation 2: Polysaturation ≠ happiness
You can absolutely be polysaturated and still be unhappy. You can still have room for more lovers but also be completely satisfied. My "magic number" of partners for the longest time was three. It's when I felt the most stable and when I considered myself polysaturated. But right now I have two partners and I am utterly satisfied in my romantic life. I am not looking for another romantic partner. I do not need to be “at capacity” to be fully satisfied. Collecting partners will not bring you happiness, and oftentimes, people who do seem to be collecting partners are red flags, for sure.
We all know that relationships are work, and that there's effort of varying degrees at various times in maintaining our relationships. The input of effort is usually uneven, because partners require different amounts of energy at any given time.
Polysaturation does not bring joy, happiness, or security in and of itself. Conversely, just because a person has one partner (or no partners) doesn’t mean they’re not polyamorous. I hope we can get on board with this the same we we’ve (hopefully) gotten on board with how bisexual people are still bi if they happen to be in a “straight-passing” relationship. A polyamorous person who has settled into a nesting relationship with a single partner for x amount of years is no more or less polyamorous than the person living in relationship anarchy with a battalion of partners.
Also, and addendum to this in regard to polysaturation: becoming involved with another partner will not solve someone’s relationship woes with their current partner(s); nor will it resolve their unresolved psychological or emotional issues. Like having a kid to save a marriage, this will just bring heartbreak to everyone involved. And when we’re in a polyamorous situation, it can cause heartbreak throughout the polycule (or even the V). This leads me to my next point:
Observation 3: Regardless of the relationship structure, singular issues can and will affect the whole.
A major issue happening in one relationship or with one metamour can affect the entire web of polyamory in which we’re in. For example, if my slave or my spouse is going through something really, really big, it will mean that much of my time and attention will rightfully go there; and/or it may knock me off my own rhythm, which in turn, can knock another partner out of their rhythm., etc. etc. Even when everyone isn’t sharing a bed, emotional blows in one area can have unpredictable effects in other areas and relationships. It’s like an emotional Newton’s Cradle.
Observation 4: Needing alone time does not mean you’re bad at polyamory.
This is something that I had to come to terms with during one particular span when both of my partners were traveling to different places. If I remember correctly, my spouse and my slave were 1,000 and 2,000 miles away from me, respectively, and I was in the middle, rattling around in an empty house. While I missed both of them immensely, I had to admit that having that time just to myself was a beautiful feeling. I felt some guilt about that at the time, but I have since come to understand how important it is for me to have time to myself to recharge and recalibrate my energy. The idea the idea that polyamorous folks are some kind of radical extroverts who always need to be surrounded by people is just plain wrong. Yes, there are some polyamorous people like that; but for me, I actually require some alone time to be able to “people” correctly.
Observation 5: Embrace what others (partners, friends, etc.) can bring out of your partners.
I judge a potential metamour on the energy they bring out of my partner. So, when your partner is coming back from a date — or even a conversation — with this person, are they drained, complaining, or otherwise scattered? Or are they content, inspired, or just plain happy? This is where compersion really is important. For me, if another person can make my partner shine, then that person is a beautiful addition to the mix. Because I am not the arbiter or keeper of my partners’ joy. There will always be ways that another partner can make them happy that I simply cannot or do not have the capacity for.
I feel that this is a fact of healthy polyamory. These differences in how we love do not reflect deficiency, but DO reflect diversity: diversity of love, love languages, and all the accents and dialects therein. This diversity is a defining ethic of my polyamory, and what — to me — makes compersion possible.
Observation 6: Time may be limited, but love is not a zero-sum game.
There are only 24 hours in a day, 7 days in a week, etc., and we can’t be in two places at once. There will always be sensitivities around holidays, birthdays, and anniversaries and we do what we can to honor all the right days in all the right ways. But the love we give and receive does not come from a finite source. PKR readers know that my go-to film on polyamory has always been Spike Jonze’s Her (I know I’ve quoted it before), but Samantha’s declaration that “the heart is not like a box that gets filled up. It expands in size the more you love” is the best summary for polyamory. Granted, Samantha can be in many places at once (and is in love with 641 other people), but the sentiment still holds (PS, I will never not post this clip).
Yes, we can and do hit emotional walls when we’ve been under a great deal of stress or something big in our lives is taking a lot of spoons. Our energy can be depleted, but I don’t believe our love can be. I love my partners in diverse in amazing ways, but my love for one never comes at the expense of another. I don’t think it ever could or should.
In conclusion:
My polyamory is an ongoing journey and I will always, always be learning more about myself in the process: about what I need, what I have spoons for, and what I value. These things are always evolving, and as long as I can keep an open mind to that evolution, there will be space to grow.
I recommend The Ethical Slut by the incredible Janet Hardy & Dossie Easton (two of my heros and inspirations for being a kink educator) and Polysecure by Jessica Fern.