Polyamory and The Logistics of Love (A Quasi-rant)
Polyamory and The Logistics of Love (A Quasi-rant)
It's not just about time management; it's about the spaces where we spend that time.
This weeks’ entry is more of a vent/rant than anything. Please feel free to skim and see if it’s your cup of tea. But please do check out the end of the post for an important update about my upcoming travel schedule. Sorry that there’s no audio for this post. As you’ll see I was pressed for time, and I didn’t want to rush the audio or delay the post any further. Thanks for your understanding.
logistics (n.)1
"art of moving, quartering, and supplying troops," 1846, from French (l'art) logistique "(art) of quartering troops," which apparently is from logis "lodging" (from Old French logeiz "shelter for an army, encampment," from loge; see lodge (n.)) + Greek-derived suffix -istique (see -istic). The form in French was influenced by logistique, from the Latin source of English logistic. Related: Logistical.
Anyone who is polyamorous will read the above etymology of “logistics” and probably chuckle. Time management in polyamory – especially when it comes to the physical spaces in which we spend time with our partners – can often feel just slightly less complicated than figuring out how to quarter or house an army. And while I know that there are a subset of polyam folks out there who live quite happily in a polycule with all of their partners and metamours in a single dwelling, I think that other forms of polyamory need some air time as well. In my experience, simply getting to the point where everyone is on the same page in terms of communication and boundaries is a victory. There are so many different flavors of polyamory. And personally, even if we all had the means, I don’t think I could live in one space with my partners and their metamours. That could be the only child in me speaking, however.
I’ve read a lot about time management in polyamory, but I think that space management is something that is either assumed or rolled into time management itself, or is an inconvenient truth that people silently try to manage.
This came up recently as Mercy and I have been working on podcasts for Please Kink Responsibly. Anyone who has tried podcasting or has any kind of audio recording experience knows that the finding the right space to record that has decent acoustics isn’t easy. Between ambient noise, our nesting partners’ work schedules, and the rhythms of neighborhood children playing, yard work, and construction happening outside our respective homes, it has been really difficult. All of this necessitated a look for spaces in town that gave us some quiet and some privacy. Really, we don’t want to scare the vanillas as we’re talking about fisting or flogging, do we?
But this pointed to a deeper issue that often comes up for us and other polyam folks: where can/do we spend time with our partners? Mercy and I have often struggled to find spaces where we can play or have intimate time. My spouse works from home (and is generously and enthusiastically supporting my transition out of academia and into sustainable self-employment), and our office spaces at home share a common wall. Mercy has a job of her own, and her living situation involves a fantastic nesting partner (with a sometimes shifting work schedule), and a roommate. It’s hard enough for us to find the space to have some quiet time together, let alone set up for a podcast or any kind of play. While some may have a relationship structure where metamours are present or in the same space during intimate time or play, that’s not how our boundaries are configured.
The irony here is that we physically have the space, but it’s finding the time to occupy those spaces with each other that’s the challenge. We are able to get away regularly, but that gets expensive and, as we head into Fall and winter in the mountains, weather sometimes makes that difficult from late October well into March.
It’s the classic polyamory line: “I’m not jealous of the other person, I’m jealous of the time.” But I also think we need to add to that “and the space(s) in which they get to have the time.”
Living in a small town exacerbates all of this in big ways. We don’t live in a place where we can be “out” as polyamorous; nor is our community large enough to afford us any real anonymity. Hotels in town are out, because odds are either Mercy or I know someone who works at, or owns, whatever hotel in question. Even getting away for a bite to eat can be tricky. Case in point: our favorite Mexican restaurant in town is family-owned. Whenever I walk in with Mercy, the server makes it a point to ask me “And how is your wife?” At another restaurant we love, there’s one server in particular (even if we’re not at his table), who will come over if Mercy and I are together and start extolling the many fine qualities of my wife while completely blanking Mercy. This was humorous the first time, but it got old fast.
So there are moments when I find myself envious of others’ polyam situations. I’m not envious of the people who are out as polyamorous or who live in places that give them a bit more anonymity, I’m envious of the spaces in which they get to be out and/or anonymous. Chances are, they live in larger cities or suburbs where it’s easier to find places to go on dates, to be intimate, or just get together for a casual meal.
Perhaps I’m sensitive to all of this right now because in the past week:
I’ve been trying to find an affordable workspace in town where Mercy and I can work and record without distraction (Update, found one).
I’ve been making teaching and related travel plans through November for Mercy and I and wrestling with multiple calendars
Mercy and I haven’t had some quality alone-time in a while.
#PolyamoryProblems, amiright?
But I do get frustrated when I read posts about polyamory that have a subtle “one true way” vibe that low-key shames folks who don’t live in a commune-like setting where metamours are strumming harps and throwing rose petals as Mistress PolyDomme leads their slave(s) to their fully-appointed, soundproofed dungeon/karaoke bar, and Metamour PolyMichelinChef prepares a celebratory aftercare meal while they play.
Okay, that sounds silly and petty. But I recognize these frustrations as moments for me to step back and take stock of everything. In terms of spaces, these are, in all the ways, first-world problems. I would not trade this lifestyle for a more “uncomplicated” one of monogamy, simply because I’m not wired that way, and because the love of which I am a part, and that I get to share, is beyond beautiful and fulfilling.
But I want to give a shout out to all the polyamorous folks who struggle with time – and space – logistics, and who are doing their polyamory in the ways that work for them. It’s okay if your D-type or s-type isn’t your nesting partner; it’s okay not to hang out with your metamours on a regular basis; it’s okay to honor the relationships you have by mutually creating the boundaries that work for you and keep everyone healthy and comfortable. It’s okay to ethically love as many as you want in the ways that you want.
That is the most important thing.
Thanks for coming to my polyamory TedTalk.
And a quick update:
I’ll be away from September 2nd through the 9th. I intend to fully unplug from all my work during this time, and want to give myself some time to ramp back up. My next post will drop on September 18th.
Mercy and I are excited about some upcoming trips of our own to some events, some teaching gigs, and just some time to ourselves. More about those when I come back!
https://www.etymonline.com/word/logistics#etymonline_v_12395
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