On Giving and Receiving

(and all those other binary constructions)

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First a little housekeeping. 

Mercy and I will be attending a conference this weekend, so there may or may not be an entry next week. That being said, some exciting changes and shifts are coming to Please Kink Responsibly as we continue to evolve and grow. I’ll have more on that soon, but you can expect more exclusive content and benefits for paid subscribers, as well as pieces written by Mercy. 

Until then, stay tuned! 

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In the context of kink and/or sex, the concepts of “giving” and “receiving” carry a lot of weight, as do “topping” and “bottoming” in BDSM and authority exchange. There is a tendency to conflate “giving” with “topping” and “receiving” with “bottoming.” This does make sense from a more patriarchal, heteronormative point of view, given all of the cultural assumptions that go along with penetrative sex. 

BDSM opens up some other possibilities, however, and hopefully for those of us who practice authority exchange in our kink, there are moments when the assumptions around giving, receiving, topping, and bottoming become irrelevant and superfluous. A Dominant/Master/Mistress (D-type) may wish to be penetrated because it just feels good, and can direct their submissive or slave to pleasure them as they see fit. Concurrently, a submissive or slave (s-type) can be “pleasured” by their D-type in a way that puts them completely under their spell and control. For an s-type who lives to please their D-types, giving pleasure becomes their raison d'être. If we become too caught up on who happens to be physically over or under someone else, or whose bits are inside someone else’s bits, we end up losing so many opportunities for fulfillment and joy.¹ 

Photo by Rod Long on Unsplash

In the classes Mercy and I have taught, We’ve met so many D-types who deeply enjoy pleasuring their s-types … and not necessary just sadistically via edging, orgasm denial, or even orgasm torture, but who genuinely feel a sense of fulfillment in seeing their s-types achieve the heights of ecstasy. There is a power element in that, to be sure. Watching your s-type become nonverbal as they spasm in ecstasy is most certainly a rush, and there’s a sense of pride in knowing “I did that.” The power is amplified when one’s s-type shows their gratitude in whatever love language in which they’re fluent. 

Yet, it often becomes difficult for some D-types to accept focused pleasure in return: the kind where one’s s-type is focused solely on the pleasure of their D-types. I may be exposing a secret of many D-types here, but a good Dominant or Master is usually highly empathetic, even if they don’t (or refuse to out of stubbornness) admit to being empaths.² For us, there’s a certain amount of guilt that can arise in having a partner focus on our own pleasure, no matter how much our s-types may literally live to please us (as in, pleasing us gives them LIFE).

Mercy and I once presented at a conference on this very thing … with a central question directed at D-types: “Am I worthy of worship?” It’s one thing to ask oneself this as an ego check: making sure that you are living according to higher values and ethics, and treating your s-type with the respect they deserve; but it’s entirely another thing to feel guilty because your s-type is consensually performing a service for you. Yet, based on the feedback we received – and even in my own experience – this can and does happen. 

Photo by Jon Tyson on Unsplash

And this is where the entire idea of “giving” and “receiving” shows itself to be a somewhat misleading dichotomy when each is viewed exclusively as aspects of “Dominance” and “submission” respectively.  

We can overcome this by thinking about giving and receiving not as characteristics of Dominance and submission, but instead view Dominance and submission as lenses through which giving and receiving occur. 

How, as a Dominant, am I receiving the submission – and surrender – of my submissive? How do I honor what is being given? How, as a Dominant, am I giving of myself to my submissive? What am I offering them? How am I bestowing discipline? Attention? How, as a submissive, am I receiving the direction, discipline, and attention my Dominant is giving to me? How, as a submissive, am I giving myself and my service to my Dom? 

For those of us who see our D/s and M/s as something emotionally transformative, or spiritually transcendent, it behooves us to check our egos at the door when it comes to our unique power dynamics; and that means not becoming attached to rigid assumptions or expectations. It also means letting go of our own baggage when it comes to giving and receiving pleasure, service, and/or devotion. 

1. There are terms like “service top” (originating from the queer community to indicate a dominant or penetrating partner who puts their partner’s pleasure first, rather than their own). These can be helpful, but too often they’re seen pejoratively. 

2. Guilty.