The Messy Middle
The Messy Middle
Breaking Open to Break Through
Very pleased that this week’s entry was written by Mercy … the other half of Please Kink Responsibly. She’ll be bringing her perspectives to the ‘stack as often as she is able, and I know that each time it will be a treat. - Quill
When deeply challenging situations happen in our lives that bring out our worst behavior, or our baser emotions, we can either let those situations break us open to move to a higher level of being, or we end up allowing ourselves to shrink into smallness. There are times in our lives where relationships get strained, stress is high, everything seems to be going sideways, and each time we try to “fix” it, we somehow make it worse. I’d bet we’ve all been there at least a time or two, and if we’re in an authority-based relationship, all of this can be exacerbated even more.
There are moments humans experience when we are in the midst of a growing process, but don’t know it yet. In those moments, we are at the cusp of facing ourselves and aligning with our deepest truths, but this evolution requires the shedding of unhealthy, embedded behaviors, mindsets, and old habits.
And It’s fucking uncomfortable.
Lots of times, before we experience big moments of growth and learning, aspects of our lives seem to fall into disarray. This can most certainly include our authority exchange. The disorder we feel in our everyday lives can bleed into our power dynamics, bringing a certain estrangement from our partners and protocols can begin to loosen. While this is a normal part of the human experience at large and should be navigated intentionally in all of our spaces, here in our authority exchanges, the ripples of our growing pains can be magnified in ways that feel destabilizing and truly turn our worlds upside down. People we deeply and profoundly care for can be unknowingly and unintentionally impacted and left in the wake of our shit. We find ourselves in the messy middle, right in the thick of it. But here’s the beautiful thing… In these spaces and in these moments, we have a choice.
In my life, especially my upbringing until I was 25 and met my nesting partner, I was surrounded by people who wouldn’t face their own ick within themselves. When I say “ick,” I mean the things that are difficult to rumble with inside of ourselves, are uncomfortable to face and even harder to change. Far more often than not, people will choose the devil they know, over choosing the unknown. Even if we can identify that unknown path, we don’t choose it because facing the unknown requires change, growth, discomfort, and eating a lot of humble pie. In the words of Glennon Doyle, “Life will never be easy. It will always be hard. But we can choose our hard. Pick wisely.”
My Sir and I hit a challenging period in our dynamic at this time last year that left us feeling disoriented and wrong side out. It felt like we were a piano just slightly out of tune, therefore none of our notes came together like they had for over two years. We were both in the thick of it, whether it was because of big life and career transitions for both of us, grief, or navigating new terrain in our relationships. It felt as if we were trying to shove a square peg through a round hole that just wasn’t budging. We both needed perspective, we needed some fundamental shifts in our relationships and within ourselves, and we both needed additional support by therapists for this process. Because, you see, if we make the hard choice of change, growth, and expansion, and if we choose to stop the cycles that have been spinning in and around us (sometimes for generations), we must intentionally shift our relationship to ourselves. This process requires us to break open to ourselves.
Breaking open requires radical honesty and vulnerability. Breaking open requires TIME and patience and navigating uncharted territory in ourselves while holding space for that same process for others.
Breaking open requires getting familiar with our coping mechanisms in times of uncertainty and mindfully acknowledging the mechanisms we have that can not only hurt ourselves, but others as well. Breaking open requires ego and shadow work, and creating a support system for ourselves while doing the work and beyond.
Breaking open often requires us to stare our shame and guilt in the face and find compassion for ourselves and others in the moments we want to run. Breaking open requires trust in the good in ourselves to help guide the way. Breaking open requires repairing the relationship you have with yourself.
Breaking open requires never ending gentleness with ourselves as well as deep accountability for our behaviors.
Retreating into our smallness, however, is to give in to our ego which tells us we are defined by those moments that bring up shame, fear, greed, jealousy, etc. We mistake the idea of feeling these emotions as BEING these emotions, but it is absolutely possible to experience emotions without becoming defined by them.
Just a few weeks ago at the Guild of Deviated Standards kink conference, John Pendal, an inspirational educator and resource in our global kink community, shared a beautiful quote he had received. “Guilt and shame are two different things. Shame says ‘I feel bad’ and guilt says ‘I am bad.’” This hit me at my core and left tears streaming down my face. We can often get caught up right here and stay here for lifetimes…
We must intentionally choose to break open, or the choice is made FOR us to shrink into our smallness, as this is our default.
We have a choice. If we choose the privilege of stripping our lives back to the studs and embracing the mess of reconstruction, we can build ourselves and our authority exchanges into something beyond our wildest dreams. Breaking the pattern or default reaction – even just once – puts us on a journey of building something new. Disrupting that learned behavior, EVEN JUST ONCE, means we forever change our relationship to it. And from there, unless we are absolutely vehemently attempting to ignore our intuition, we begin shifting and changing to new ways of being. We can also absolutely, and for many reasons, wait to choose differently. Either choice is hard and takes energy. It’s an undertaking and it's a choice that if we don’t intentionally navigate, we fall victim to ourselves and our own choices.
“Pick wisely.”
 |
|