surrender (v.)
early 15c., surrendren, in law, "give (something) up to the power or possession of another," from Old French surrendre "give up, deliver over" (13c.), from sur- "over" (see sur- (1)) + rendre "give back" (see render (v.)).
The reflexive sense of "to give oneself up" (especially as a prisoner) is from 1580s. Related: Surrendered; surrendering.1
Regardless of what side of the slash we’re on, authority exchange/transfer requires surrender. Ostensibly, and perhaps to a less experienced kinkster, “surrender” may justifiably seem to be something that only an s-type experiences, simply by the nature of them being on the “receiving end” of things, or by the nature of their service and/or protocol to their D-type. It’s hard for someone new to kink – and specifically D/s – to see a submissive kneeling at the feet of their Dominant, or licking their boots, or servicing them sexually, and understanding how the Dominant is surrendering at all. But there is that “a-ha moment” for both D-types and s-types, when they understand that surrender in authority exchange is more than simple “submission.”
submit (v.)
late 14c., submitten, "place (oneself) under the control of another, yield oneself, become submissive" (intransitive), from Latin submittere "to yield, lower, let down, put under, reduce," from sub "under" (see sub-) + mittere "let go, send" (see mission).
The transitive sense of "refer to the discretion or judgment of another" is from early 15c.; especially for criticism or opinion (1550s); hence "propose, declare as one's opinion" (1818). Related: Submitted; submitting.2
“Surrender” implies a giving up of oneself. We’re not talking about giving over control, we’re talking about giving up, or letting go, of the self. Where “submission” implies self-awareness (as in, I am giving over control over myself to you), “surrender” implies a letting go of the ego. There is no longer a sense of “I” in surrender. It is a state of being that transcends the self.
“Submission” implies a giving over of control, or putting oneself under control of another. And, for s-types, the choice to give control to their D-type, can be beautiful, profound, and sacred in and of itself.
For the D-type, the full acceptance of the submission and service of their s-type is contingent upon surrender itself. That is to say, there is a dimension of surrender for the Dominant in order to fully receive the submission of their s-type. It’s very easy to conflate power orientation with ideas of “giving” and “receiving,” which are themselves wrapped up in very heteronormative, patriarchal notions of sexuality and relationships. Giving ≠ Dominance; receiving ≠ submission.
A person can submit to another. But surrender is a giving up or giving over, period. It is a release rather than a grasp. It is a letting go of the ego itself. And in this, both the D-type and the s-type are surrendering. Whether it’s in a flow state in-scene, or in a broader authority transfer relationship, surrender implies a releasing of the ego.
In flow during an intense scene, things seem to move along on their own, even though the D-type is facilitating and guiding the scene. I know that a common mantra is that, in the end, the submissive “controls” the scene through their ability to utilize a safeword or safe-signal; but that belies the fact that it’s the Top or D-type in the scene that is ultimately responsible for their bottom’s safety, especially in various kinds of edge-play. A scene may be stopped by a safeword, but that does not give the bottom control over the scene itself. And the Dominant in a scene must trust all the signs that their submissive gives them, and trust that the submissive has been forthcoming regarding health issues or known psychological triggers.
In flow, there is a constant exchange between the people involved; a give-and-take that is contingent upon factors that transcend the individuals involved in the scene. As a Dominant, I am reading the responses of my partner on a multitude of levels, and responding to them. Every gasp, every breath, the color of their skin, the sounds they are making, their perspiration, their tone, their little “tells” – all of them let me know where they are at, and guide my next actions. While a part of me is always keeping watch for their safety, I am not necessarily thinking about my next moves or following a script. I am being guided by their responses. If I get too wrapped up in where I am in the scene (as in, how am I doing? Do they like what I’m doing? What do I look like?), then I fall out of the scene, with potentially dire consequences.
It’s important to remember that “surrender” and a flow-state are not the same. The two are not mutually exclusive, but one does not always indicate the other is present. Also, thinking about surrender only in terms of flow states skirts the issue of the effort and practice needed to let go of one’s ego.
I remember a conversation with my kink-forward therapist when he asked me “how do you practice obedience?” I am embarrassed to admit that in that moment there was an immediate and almost visceral flash of resistance to the very idea. It was an ego hit that I was not expecting: I am a Dominant and my slave’s Master! I am obedient to no one but myself. But after a moment or two, and having been through therapy several times in my life, I knew this visceral flash of resistance meant that it was something I had to work though. The words “higher self” and “higher purpose” came up repeatedly as we spoke. How was I obeying that higher purpose?
obey (v.)
c. 1300, obeien, "carry out the commands of (someone); submit to (a command, rule, etc.); be ruled by," from Old French obeir "obey, be obedient, do one's duty" (12c.), from Latin obedire, oboedire "obey, be subject, serve; pay attention to, give ear," literally "listen to," from ob "to" (see ob-) + audire "listen, hear" (from PIE root *au- "to perceive"). Same sense development is in hiersumnian, the Old English word for the same thing. Related: Obeyed; obeying.3
Note here that the Latin roots of the word “obey” literally mean “to listen to.” Was I listening to my ego? Or was I listening to something larger than myself?
Too often, we just equate the ego with narcissism. And while the two go hand-in-hand, the ego itself is more or less a literal self-centeredness that can impede your progress, either because you are constantly second-guessing yourself, or because you are insinuating yourself in someone else’s life in a way that doesn’t help, but actually undermines and undercuts them. The ego impedes us from listening or hearing what either our partners or our higher selves are telling us.
So in the case of an M/s relationship, in the words of M Jen Fairfield and Robert (Dr. Rob) Rubel in Master/slave Mastery:
‘ … the Master is serving the slave’s needs every bit as much as the slave is endeavoring to fulfill Master’s wants. You will increasingly hear the phrase: “While the slave serves Master, Master serves the relationship.”4
I would go as far as to say that, in terms of surrender, ALL parties are letting go of their respective egos for something higher than themselves — whether it’s simply in-scene or in a more formal M/s relationship. In this way, “surrender” leads toward empowerment rather than self-aggrandizement or narcissism, especially when we are obedient to (as in, listening to) something greater than our egos. What I may want at any given moment may not be in the best interest of the core values that have been established to guide my Mastery, and/or the parameters of the contract my slave and I have built together. I must surrender my ego in order align with that higher purpose.
Empowerment, then, (at least in terms of authority exchange) is not transactional. It comes from surrender and the vulnerability therein, and the willingness to let go in order to ascend.
What do you think? Comments are open! And if you like what you read, please like & share!
https://www.etymonline.com/word/surrender#etymonline_v_22423
https://www.etymonline.com/word/submit#etymonline_v_22256
https://www.etymonline.com/word/obey#etymonline_v_2414
Rubel Ph.D.,Robert J.; Fairfield,M. Jen. Master/slave Mastery: Updated handbook of concepts, approaches, and practices (p. 16). Red Eight Ball Press. Kindle Edition.