Alas, my dog needed to have a minor procedure done on her eye with an out-of-town specialist a few hours from our house. So I’m writing this one from a hotel room with terrible light and even worse acoustics. I really hate when hotel rooms don’t have carpets and just have bare floors. So, in a post about not apologizing I will unironically apologize for the voiceover acoustics and the fact that I’m recording this one into my phone. To make up for it, I’m sending a bonus video to paid subscribers!
There’s something we need to talk about ...
It’s time to stop apologizing for our limits. Seriously.
Nothing makes me more sad than negotiating a scene and having a partner set a hard (or even soft) limit and say, “Sorry ... but I just can’t [insert limit here] today.”
Sorry?
Sorry for setting a parameter that I need to follow? Sorry that you’re asserting what you want out of a scene? Sorry that you’re confiding in me something that might make you uncomfortable or could potentially trigger you? Sorry that you’re being vulnerable with me and trust me with that vulnerability?
I don’t care if you’re a D-type or s-type or switch.
I don’t care if we’re regular play partners and we’ve done the same kinky activity dozens of times before. If this time around you just aren’t in the mood or you suddenly don’t feel comfortable doing it anymore. Guess what? That’s your right. It’s your body, your emotions, and your well-being at stake. It’s always a good idea to run through limits even if I’ve heard them before ... I never assume, because limits change, and not just because you have to go to the doctor’s this week and don’t want bruises; or because you twisted your ankle, pulled your back, or your allergies are really bad today.
In fact, I don’t need a reason. You can say something is off the table and you are under absolutely under no obligation to tell me why ... even if we’ve done it a million times before. Yes, it is helpful to know why, but I see that simply as a courtesy, not a requirement.
And if for whatever reason, I can’t work within the parameters of your limits for that scene, then I need to step back. End of story.
And if you've never played with me before but have watched me in other scenes, don't assume that whatever I do in those scenes are things I expect or desire from other partners. What I do with others has no bearing on my expectations of you ... because you are a different person, with different needs, different triggers, and different limits
If you want to keep all your clothes on, and say “no bruises,” “no touching erogenous zones,” “no kissing,” etc., but you still want to get to into that special headspace that you need right now, Guess what? I’m going to make every effort to get you there within your requested limits because: 1) CONSENT; and 2) I’m good at what I do.
Submissive types, it works both ways. Your Dom’s limits can be fluid as well. I know you may be aching ... longing ... DYING to do the most depraved thing possible, or want something intense and emotional, but—hey—maybe I’ve dealt with some heavy shit today. Maybe a friend of mine was sexually assaulted. Maybe there are some things that I’ve re-thought or are no longer comfortable doing. Or maybe I’m just not in the right emotional space to engage in one or all of the above. And if I say “no,” and I’m not in the right frame of mind to explain why, I’ll at least reassure you and say that I’m not in the right frame to talk about it, but will talk about it as soon as I am able
Limits aren’t necessarily prohibitive: they are guides, parameters, and boundaries that support and enable a scene, not impede it. They are opportunities to be creative. They make us use our skills and strengths to bring each other to the spaces in which we need to dwell at that particular moment. They are about enabling connections in the deepest and most trusting way possible.
D/s can be like a religion for some; it can be a spiritual practice. Even light, playful, or funny scenes—when successful—can transcend. And when they do, it’s because there's that mutual trust. And who knows? Perhaps next time, one—or both—of our boundaries may shift. It’s just another opportunity to explore new ways to achieve that connection again …
… unapologetically.
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