Rest has always been a difficult thing for me. It is partially a generational thing (insert your own GenX worker memes here); it’s also due to having parents who clocked every moment I wasn’t doing something and then declaring me “lazy.” So rest, as a practice, has never been one of my strong suits. I’ve only recently learned to fully unplug from things and take some time for myself. On my last vacation I was able to have some very long swaths of uninterrupted meditative time, as well as time to simply just “be,” which felt incredible. I’ve been able to recapture that since I’ve returned.
But I’ve realized — after literally years of my slave (and others) imploring me that “rest” in and of itself is not necessarily enough to rejuvenate and replenish — that we need activities that give us deep senses of contentment and joy that act to re-energize us and “fill our cups.”
But what happens when you’re not sure what, exactly, gives you joy? That is to say, if you were raised in an environment or have had traumatic experiences that specifically targeted your own ability to experience joy, how do you re-engage or rediscover — or simply discover for the first time — what you can do to that will actually fill your cup? I’m speaking now to those who kind of feel ashamed when people ask “what are your hobbies” and we really don’t seem to have any; or we don’t know what actually counts as a hobby.
I was/am definitely someone who continues to struggle in that area. In my career as an academic, I was always somehow engaged in something related to my research or a classroom. Summers and semester breaks were times when you did everything else, including going to doctors and taking care of all the other things that you didn’t have time to take care of during the academic year. It took me over a year of being out of academia to fully realize the implications of the burnout cycle that I have been on. And even a few months ago, I could not understand why, even though I was resting, I found myself feeling burnt out after even an hour or two of writing or other work.
I’m ashamed to say that even though my slave repeatedly pointed this out to me over the years, I wasn’t understanding that rest wasn’t enough, and I wasn’t engaging in things to recharge or feed my soul. For those who like the “spoon” metaphor, I wasn’t doing anything to add spoons. Rest wasn’t enough. And furthermore, without putting effort into doing things that brought me joy, the ensuing rest wasn’t as restorative as it should have been.
What does this have to do with kink?
We can make a fatal error of attempting to use kink – specifically power exchange – as restorative activity, and that it would fulfill that need to recharge. Don’t get me wrong, kink and everything around it can be fun, joyful, and fulfill deep and intimate needs; but by making kink the source of our overall wellbeing, it puts unfair and debilitating burdens on our partners. It kind of inverts the equation in a detrimental way: we should be taking care of ourselves (as Master, slaves, Dominants, and submissives) and finding things that fill our cups to protect and foster the dynamics we’re in, and the relationships we have. Those dynamics and relationships do not take the place of deep, effective, and mindful self-care.
I have learned this lesson the hard way, and the ensuing pain that it caused brought shame, guilt, and a deep sense of self-directed anger. Expecting a partner and/or the dynamic you’re in to be the solution, the cure-all, the panacea is a path to disappointment, frustration, and loss.
When we’ve experienced traumas growing up that affect our ability to be happy (as in, when a parent or caregiver specifically attacks anything that you like or enjoy and takes it from you), there is a steep learning curve in rediscovering, rebuilding, or establishing the things that make you deeply happy outside of the relationships which give you joy in and of themselves. Concurrently, it can take a little a lot of effort to let go of the guilt that comes with doing something strictly for ourselves.
But the effort, all around, is worth it. Being your best self, for yourself, becomes the foundation for any kind of relationship or dynamic you want to build.