Transcending Labels in Authority Exchange
The labels don't define us. Our relationships serve a higher purpose.
Note: The terms D/s (Dominance/submission) and M/s (Master/slave) have very specific connotations for those in authority-based relationships, and are interpreted in contemporary kink in ways as varied as the people who practice them. For those newer in the scene or unfamiliar with the differences, generally speaking, both indicate a consensual power dynamic of some kind, but M/s tends to imply a more formalized, intense, and/or strict authority exchange. There is a deep history of Master/slave dynamics and tradition in gay leather culture, and has since evolved as the leather community continues to diversify and become more inclusive. D/s indicates a somewhat more open and flexible power exchange, but can also be intense, rigorous, and committed. Regardless, the different ways these labels are interpreted speaks to the diversity and variety of authority-based relationships.
For many of us in the kink community, particularly those of us who engage in authority-based, committed relationships (whether polyamorous or monogamous), we find that our D/s or M/s dynamics bring a greater depth to the relationship itself. All of the outward practices of authority exchange, whether protocols, service, bondage, or sadomasochism, can be wonderful, fun, and for most of us necessary in our relationships; but those practices and the labels under which they reside, for me at least, are not the core of my own Mastery or Dominance. I enter into these relationships with partners looking for something higher, deeper, or otherwise less tangible that bind us together and sustain us.
My partner Mercy and I have have been together for three years. Our relationship has always been authority-based, but it has gone through different styles and labels depending on our needs at the time. We have weathered various issues because we have a core ethic that transcends whatever label may be attached to our dynamic. We always believed that any kind of authority exchange needed to be transformational. That is to say, a power dynamic should elevate us both, and not only benefit us in our kink lives, but holistically lift our romantic relationships, our polyamory, and our lives in general.
For us, that meant our authority exchange had to foster personal development and growth. There was always an open-ended sense to it that we hoped would allow us to adjust and evolve. We created the structures we did to foster possibility, rather than a create a more rigid or transactional dynamic (which definitely works for some, but not for us).
Given that fact that both of us have backgrounds in education, this made sense. In our respective fields and careers, we each guide people, and walk them through different intellectual and/or physical spaces that bring their talents and skills to bear in ways they may not have been able to access before. So, any kind of authority-based relationship for us had to do the same. In committing to each other, we were committing to a journey; and we knew that some kind of authority exchange would help us on our way. It would always be governed by:
mutual support for each other.
mutual enthusiasm and encouragement of our independent, individual success and growth
Mutual commitment to each other and to our relationship
In the beginning, “Dominant and submissive” worked well for us as we explored our kinks and how power manifested between us. We had specific needs at the time which D/s fulfilled beautifully, and it gave us a safe space in which to explore our deeper needs regarding Dominance and submission. I was Mercy’s “Sir” or “Dom,” she was my “sub” or “girl.”
For us, D/s was a space of exploration and openness toward authority exchange, without falling into anything too regimented. We explored our vulnerability and needs while still acknowledging that we were figuring things out as we went. What were the things each of us needed in a D/s relationship? And in this process, both Mercy and I explored what acts of service were most needed and useful to us. We each identified the ways that an authority-based relationship would elevate us and improve our day-to-day lives. I overcame several of my own limitations when it came to receiving service, admitting to myself the kinds of things that I needed, and that I was worthy of that kind of service. Mercy would perform tasks that actually mattered, rather than me making up tasks for the sake of making them up. We figured out what acts of service were actually useful.
On the other side of things, Mercy explored what kinds of structures she needed in order to be more mindful and present during the day. Task lists consisted of things that she needed to accomplish and needed a little more motivation to do. I’d also remind her to hydrate, eat, and generally take care of herself – the things that might have fallen by the wayside during busy or stressful days.
In our dynamic, we were able to access our respective Dom- and subspaces, where the world would fall away and allow us to simply “be” as we were. It was beautiful and fulfilling.
As time progressed, our dynamic intensified, and solidified into a needed regularity and structure that benefited us both. We adopted an M/s dynamic, because the heightened intensity and more rigid routine were beneficial. Our authority exchange grew more intimate and emotionally deep. The honorifics of “Master” and “slave” felt comfortable and right. The relationship became slightly more prescriptive. Even though I had “collared” Mercy prior to shifting to an M/s dynamic, the formalities of M/s suited us nicely at the time.
Then life continued to unfold, as it always does. Both Mercy and I were facing some personal traumas, difficulties, and health issues that became increasingly disruptive to our dynamic. The usual protocols and exchange became harder to enforce, simply due to logistics and our lack of “spoons” to put in the necessary effort. Our individual issues beyond our relationship pulled much of our attention. And, despite our best efforts, the formalities and regimentation of our M/s could neither adapt to – nor help us navigate – the emotional waters in which we found ourselves. We each knew (in both our own experience and through watching others) that authority exchange alone cannot save a relationship, nor can kink be therapy.
We each did what we needed to do to get our emotional and psychological houses in order. We also knew that we could not keep the dynamic going as it was. We hit “pause” on things as we worked through our respective issues, as well as the issues that had crept up in our own relationship. It was scary at times, but we were still committed to each other and our bond: Mercy never once wanted to give up my collar, nor did I want to “release” her. We just needed to take a break to re-center. The “break” we had was never from each other; it was simply from our authority exchange.
When we each came out the other side of our respective dark nights of the soul, we had changed. It was for the better, for sure, but it was different and slightly disorienting. It was clear, however, that M/s just didn’t feel right. We hadn’t “lost” anything per se, but with the personal work that each of us did, the need for the more structured style of M/s had fallen away. Our deep love for each other, and our desire for some kind of authority exchange, had remained, however. And in many ways, what we had experienced had sharpened the edge of our relationship again, and we had a better handle on what we wanted and needed.
We were in a period of rebuilding, rediscovering, and once again playing with our power dynamic. We enjoyed the freedom we had gained to experiment and try new things. We went into our time together with curiosity and openness, and again, playfulness. That is not to say that people in an M/s dynamic can’t or don’t have those things. But for us, and within the parameters we had established, the terms “Master” and “slave” just didn’t seem to fit anymore, and we were at the risk of things becoming transactional rather than transformative.
“Sir” seemed to roll off Mercy’s tongue much easier than “Master,” and “Good Girl” just felt so much more natural to say than “good slave.” I was her Dom, she was my submissive. That felt right. The terms may shift again, but they really don’t matter. We know what we have.
In the end, having that higher purpose to guide our dynamic was the bedrock of the relationship we built. It allowed for things to change and shift as needed, without losing our magnetic north of mutual support and encouragement toward our growth as individuals, our growth as Dominant and submissive, and the growth of our relationship.
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